Not In This Lifetime
by totallyloud
Summary: Oneshot. After Book 2, Clara had returned during her semester break, giving a visit.. TuClara


Disclaimer: Characters are not mine.

Spoiler Alert: After Book 2.

* * *

It was a cold night that night and as they walked back to the dorms, Clara and Christian were lost in their thoughts about their date. Clara sunk deeper into Christian's jacket he'd lend her on their way back. Her thought floated back to their sweet date. Christian was such an angel during the date, well he was literally is. She had felt comfortable with him, talking and laughing with him.

But there was this nagging feeling that always came back. A gentle smile. A gentle hand. Such gentle gestures always come back to her to tamper with her feelings. No, don't remember, she tried to tell herself every time.

That was the time she noticed they have stopped walking and Christian was looking at the ground, clearing his throat. Clara felt her heart drum a little faster, Christian was always such a great sight whatever he was doing.

And when he finally faced her with a resolved expression, it felt like someone was controlling her. Like someone was forcing her to close her eyes as he leaned forward. Only, she didn't.

Clara was surprised herself when she realized she had just turn her head away from Christian, her foot took one step back. You can't control me, a resounding thought in her head. She stared at Christian in surprise. He couldn't have controlled her, right? He wouldn't push her to do anything against her will.

Christian's expression mirrored her surprise. "I.. Sorry, I shouldn't have done that"

Clara opened her mouth to assure him he wasn't at fault. But there was this grieving feeling that wrapped itself around her heart. She suddenly felt hurt that there she was just about to let him kiss her again. "Yeah, you shouldn't have"

"I just thought…" Christian glanced at her when he'd turned away. "Since you broke up with him…"

Another pang in her heart. Words flowed out of her mouth in an instant, trying to pile it all on top of her gushing heart. Trying to reassure her worries away. "No one broke up with anyone. It was… complicated. Everything happened all at the same time and I…"

"I know, I'm sorry I tried to kiss you"

Clara just stared at him, willing herself to like him, to like this very kind and caring boy who'd put her sake first before everything else. To think that he was the one she should give her heart to. To know his concern is always with her. It's been like that the past few months, always trying to convince herself to do the right thing before someone close to her get hurt again. But every time she closes her eyes and darkness envelops her, a person appears. A longing feeling. A nonchalant grin, a handsome face, and her feelings just explodes back to him. Tucker.

She shook her head at Christian, forcing a friendly smile. "Forget about it, Chris. It's no big deal" He looked like he was about to disagree, that it was a big deal but she quickly turned away before the conversation dwell deeper. Something she always tried to avoid after all the incident.

Christian caught her wrist, "Just tell me this, is it still him there?"

"I," Clara opened her mouth, but not knowing what or how to answer to that. Her heart knew the answer. She was just not sure what her mind and mouth thought of it. "You can… read my mind right? Tell me, please tell me, what am I thinking?"

Christian stared at her, surprised. His features instantly hardened and he let her go.

Clara stood dumbstruck. Was that it? Christian's reaction told her what the answer was. He hadn't looked at her thoughts now, he knew them even before. "What, did you expect me to say otherwise when you know it already?"

Christian stopped and there was silence before he turned, "Yes, I did"

"I can't forget that easily, Chris. If you think it was unfair that you were able to do it with Kay and I can't right now... then I apologize to you, for that." She gulped and looked at the ground, fumbling with her fingers.

When she looked up, she felt a certain confidence begin to unlock inside her as she spoke her next words. "But I'm not sorry I fell in love. I'm not sorry I fell in love with Tucker. And I don't think I can let go of that just as easily as you could"

"Now if there's no more time then let's get on with this vision without minding my own feelings for Tuck"

She expected him to say that she was a selfish somebody, that she was reckless for fighting her fate, that she was so stubborn when it comes to her free will. But he surprised her when his hard expression suddenly broke into a handsome smile. "Never mind, I guess that's what I liked about you"

Clara felt her heart tighten. She didn't deserve this. She didn't deserve anyone.

"Oh, Clara, I missed you so." Wendy caught her in a very tight hug. Clara felt warm all over, tears pricked her eyes as she hugged her bestfriend back.

Wendy pulled away and smiled at her. "How long are you staying?" she asked as she led Clara inside their house into the kitchen and prepared some juice. "I'm just here for a couple of days then I have to fly back"

"Just during the semester break. Maybe a week or two" Clara took one apple from the basket of fruits in their table. She inspected it in her palms before glancing at Wendy's back. She wondered where Tucker was. Wendy got mad at her at first after Clara broke the news of her break up with her friend's twin. But she came around and after a few weeks in their college, Wendy started answering her messages again. But they always seemed to go around the topic of Tucker, never really mentioning him.

Clara thought it was a good thing if it was to avoid Wendy getting mad again. But she longed for any news of Tucker, how he was doing, how was his horse, did he have a new truck, did he start dating anybody already. Not knowing any of those were like drills in her heart. Always something missing.

And now she was in his house, she can't stop asking about him anymore. Besides, Wendy was already in front of her. Getting mad face to face was better if it doesn't come to a part where the other wouldn't respond to the message anymore. So she asked before she hesitated some more. "Is Tuck here?"

She saw Wendy's shoulders tense a little but it was as if she herself had let the subject go. "Yea, he has things to do"

"What, teaching at the slope?" Clara couldn't help asking in interest. She remembered the first time she'd spent a very long time with Tucker. He had taught her how to ski. It was one of the first times she'd thought he was more than the teasing jerk he was at school.

"No" Wendy pursed her lips and looked like she was torn with saying something and deciding to keep it from her. "No, he's practicing at the rodeo with his team"

With his team. Clara heard the emphasis on that. And if she connect the dots to Wendy's hesitation, she just might have the idea on what his was about. Tucker was with Allison.

"Oh. Oh, then I guess I better not bother him now, right."

"Yeah that might be better"

And I chose to run away from the hurt, Clara thought.

Clara felt like an idiot. A helpless idiot hiding at the seats of the stadium. Just wanting to see that Tucker was doing fine, she tried to reason out to herself for taking the risk of going to see him with another girl. She didn't care. She didn't want to run away from the pain anymore, to stop being selfish.

Allison was there, tugging a white horse back to the sides. She was talking to another guy but her eyes always travelled its way to Tucker riding his horse around the platform. Her eyes told her she was in love. And that made Clara uneasy, and selfish. But she knew she didn't have the right to, she didn't have the right anymore.

Tucker came down from his horse in one swift moment. Midas, the horse Tucker loved very much, nudged Tucker with his head and Tucker laughed back, patting the horse's mane. Clara felt herself smile at the scene.

She didn't notice that she'd reveal herself from her hiding place. So when one of Tucker's teammates and their schoolmate caught eyes with her, she had the urge to jump back down and hide, hoping the guy would just think it was his imagination. But everything happened so fast, the teammate didn't say a word but just turned Tucker around to face her and she literally froze in her spot.

From her toes to her fingers, she'd felt numb as she stared back into his eyes. He was all that mattered at the moment. And suddenly the moment was gone as the schoolmate tapped Tucker's arm, "Are you going to her or what, man? We're going"

Tucker never broke his eye contact with her as he waved his teammate away, "I'll catch up" she heard him mutter and when he moved towards her, she finally felt her own legs move and trudge down the stairs. She caught sight of Allison eyeing them wearily. But she couldn't care about anyone else's feelings all at the same time. For she couldn't even handle hers at the moment.

She clenched her hands together, controlling herself from running to him and throwing her arms around him. She couldn't, it would be selfish. She watched Tucker cross the field towards her as she reached the down the stairs.

Now she could clearly see his hazy eyes she had loved to get lost into, his golden brown hair tousled up at some parts and at some sticking to frame his forehead because of sweat. He was also wearing a gray shirt and the way it had clung to his body with sweat helped her get a peek of his muscles. His flannel shirt hang on one of his shoulders. Of course his cowboy cap would complete the whole Tucker package.

"Hey" he spoke, looking at the ground and peeking at her.

"Hey" a weak whisper from her. She wanted to reach out and feel the warmth of his hand once they stood a feet or two from each other. He'd led her to seat at one of the benches.

"How's your team doing?"

"Getting better, I hope. We're planning to join another competition. What brings you here?"

"Oh, we just… I just thought to visit home during the semester break. I don't wanna stay there the whole year. And I miss…" you, she caught herself. "…things here."

"That's… good. But what I meant was what are you doing _here_. Are you free?"

Clara knew what he meant. What was she doing visiting him. What was she doing visiting him at the rodeo. Where he was with Allison. Or is she free, meaning if she was free from Christian. With the fate thing in concerned, she wasn't free from him. But anything other than that, she was not a person who was a prisoner of anyone.

Her thoughts extended the silence and she caught Tucker glancing at his teammates, smiling as one of the guys got shoved away by Allison as they laughed together. It hurts her to see him smiling because of them, of another person, of another girl. "Are you dating?" She suddenly blurted out.

He looked surprised and then it was gone, his face hardened for a millisecond then he turned away. "No"

"Oh, I just-"

"Clara, do you think I'd just stop caring about you just because things ended with us? I always ask Wendy to ask how you were over there even if she herself wasn't here with us here. I felt like going to where you were just to see how you were doing. I always asked about-" He stopped abruptly as if he'd realize he had just blurted a deep secret. "Nevermind. Allison is a good girl"

Her heart was in a roller coaster from his first statement, that they had felt the same all along worrying for the other and going crazy not knowing, through his last and she just wanted to vomit her confused feelings. "I know…"

"And I don't want to go to her with anything but sincere feelings. She deserves better than that, any girl deserves better than that. _You_ deserve better than that."

Her heart plummeted. She couldn't take it hearing Tucker care about another girl that much. She pushed back her tears, remembering how Tucker always claimed it was unfair of her to cry. To use that and mend things just like that. Especially that this time it was gravely all her fault, all the hurt they were feeling right now. All. Her. Fault.

She blinked away her tears as she looked down at her fingers clasped on top of her lap. "I'm sorry, Tuck. For involving you, something could've happened to your family yet I acted so rash and selfishly because I love you."

She licked her lips, trying to force the words out. "It might have been a wrong way of loving because instead of saving you, I endangered you. Love should be something that makes us a better person. Right now, I love you so much so I want you to be happy. And that's not going to happen if you're with me." She glanced at Allison and a tear finally escaped her eyes. "But I'll always love you"

"Don't say that"

"But, I-"

"I'm not sorry." She looked at him, he was staring at the sky. "Do you believe in Reincarnation, Carrots?"

Another tear escaped her eyes hearing her nickname she once hated, but the one she'd beg to hear again and again right now. "Why?"

"If I'd ever be reincarnated and live in this world again, if you're still here, I'd choose to fall in love with you every time, every life that I'll have" He paused and scratched the back of his neck, "Damn, never thought I'd one day end up saying things like that" A cute blush crept unto his cheeks.

Clara tried to smile but tears flew down her cheeks. "T-That's not possible"

He shrugged. "How do you know? I'd ask God to reincarnate me as long as you live in this world. I mean, he already took an angel away from me, at least hear this one wish of mine" One last blast from him, his handsome grin, "You'll just be unlucky if I ever get reincarnated into a horse"

She laughed through her tears and she tried to brush them away when his hand stopped hers.

He cupped her face in both his palms. Brushing her tears away with his gentle hand. "But if we're lucky, maybe I'd be reincarnated into an angel too. Then we could stay together right?"

Clara closed her eyes, shuddering as new set of tears fell from her eyes. Tucker didn't know that he in himself, must have been an angel in disguise for her. He was one of the best things that ever happened to her.

"But that's in another life time" her words pierced through her already breaking heart. And she opened her eyes.

Tucker nodded and tightened his hold, it was the longest minute of her life, before finally letting go, "Yeah, and in this life time, we can't.. stay together" he painfully turned away and went to leave.

"Then make sure your hair's still orange then, Carrots. It would be easier to find you"

She tried to smile, but she couldn't make even a tiny move. For she fears that if she does, her heart will crumple down and fade away. As Tucker too had started to fade away from her.


End file.
